I grew up in a large family with a strong religious background. I thought I grew up in the ideal home. I was homeschooled mostly and had a chip on my shoulder to show the world that I was amazing. I went to college and got a nursing degree there, as well as met and married the love of my life. Graduated, had my first baby, everything looked so promising. 

Struggles

It wasn’t long before an old pornography addiction of my husbands came back to life when the stresses of college and married life really hit us. And it didn’t go away, but seemed to always be there, haunting us every time we turned around. I struggled too, I didn’t realize it at the time but I was majorly codependent because of a hidden addiction my father had that I didn’t know about until many years later. I had no concept of healthy boundaries or sense of self. My whole identity was wrapped around my enmeshed immediate family, and Kirby and “fixing” him. So we struggled, for many years.

Breaking Point

We hit a breaking point where it just wasn’t going to work any more. So Kirby bravely chose to get help, and to dive all in to healing and changing. I will forever be grateful to him for that choice. He changed the trajectory of our marriage, and our family because of it. After lots of counseling and effort, Kirby got addiction free and has been for several years now. And my codependent little self thought I had figured it out and succeeded in fixing him.

But I Needed Help Too

When Kirby’s issues were gone, I thought our life would finally be peaceful and wonderful. I was totally blind to my own unhealthy behaviors, and it took me a long time to finally see and work on changing how I was negatively affecting our relationship. When I finally went to counseling, I realized how deeply the emotional neglect had been in my childhood and the huge impact that had on me. Those imprints were deep and hard to let go. The coping methods I used as a child to survive aren’t healthy, and they were destroying my relationships. I am still on that healing journey, and it is hard. But I am determined to change my story and rewrite my future. 

I want to share what I have learned through my journey, and I want to support anyone who is going through something similar. I don’t have all of the answers, but I know that it can be a long, lonely journey. And just knowing there is someone else out there who understands can make all of the difference. 

Sometimes we all just want life to be one big party, only filled with joy and good things. But the truth is that it isn’t always like that, and everyone’s lives are filled with good and bad, exciting and hum drum, painful and joyful. 

Together, let’s embrace it all.